one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
