he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
