if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
