Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
