I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
