hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
