You can't motorboat a personality
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
PANTIES FOUND
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