Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
