Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
