How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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