i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
