Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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