i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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