I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
