I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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