my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
