She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
