hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
