I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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