If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
