areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
