Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
