I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
