did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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