So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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