Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
