I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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