once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
