and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
