he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
