the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
