if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
