I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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