a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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