make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
