please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
