please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
