I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
