Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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