she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
