Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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