Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
