Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
