I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
