remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
