You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
