atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
