we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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