The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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