Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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